Mood:  *sigh*
Song: We Can Hear Your Pulse by Origa
I've decided to post something since I havent posted anything in a long long time. As most of you know, I've just returned from seeing my family back home. I have to say that it was very refreshing and relaxing to go back to the place you grew up in and just take a chance to breathe. Mom's cooking always makes you forget your worries.. and your diet.
This post is mainly a tribute to my father. For those of you who don't know, he passed away July 27th 2005. These are just my thoughts and rambles. Most of it probably wont make any sense. But I just feel like writing my thoughts, and hey.. what's a blog site for?
On June 30th, my family celebrated what would have been my father's 46th birthday. It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since he passed away. It got me thinking recently how unfair life can really be sometimes.
My father was an amazing man. He came to this country with my mother after high school, worked many low paying jobs in order to provide for us, and eventually became a designer for a tool and dye company. He had a biting sense of humor (that explains a lot.. huh?), but he also had the biggest heart in the world. One of the things that I love most about him is that he was always able to make you laugh no matter what. He was a regular shit-disturber alright.
He always told us (my sibs and I) that he never wanted us to end up like him. He wanted us to work hard, go to a good school and have an easy life later on. He never wanted us or anyone to worry about him. He just wanted us to have to best.
It seems harsh, but looking back at all everything, I wish that I had been less selfish. Do I feel regret now that he's gone? Of course I do. Do I blame myself? Of course I do. I'm his daughter. I should've taken better care of him. I wish that I had known then what I do now. And even if it's not my fault, I'll always feel that a part it really is.
My father suffered from diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol. The cause of death? Septicemia due to an abscess in the liver. Completely preventable? Damn right it was. I have no problems blaming the doctors because they should've seen the signs.
While I was home, my aunt mentioned that my father had finally confronted her about how serious his diabetes was. 8 years ago he said the doctor mentioned he only had about 10 years to live. He never told a single one of us anything about it. Typical daddy... never wanting anyone to worry. You should have said something..
So daddy, if you're looking over my shoulder while I'm crying and typing this, I hope you're in a place with lots of wonderful computers and video games so that you won't be bored. I hope that wherever you are, you can still watch over us like you always do, and that you visit us in our dreams often to show us that you're doing well. I hope you know that we love you forever and a day, even though I never told you that enough while you were here. I'm sorry that I never got to say good-bye to you at the hospital because I couldnt get home in time from Toronto..
I need to stop.. Sorry for going on for so long. I just needed to get it off my chest. For all of you reading, tell the people you care about how much you love them whenever you get the chance. It may be the biggest thing I've ever regretted doing. Maybe that's why I blame myself so much for this.
Happy belated birthday Daddy. Love you.
From your least favorite eldest daughter,
Pei | 
